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Put Mic on… Rustle paper, bang things around… Hey, get the hell out here, can’t you see I’m doing a radio program?!!!! Max’ll have your ass if he knows you’ve been interrupting other students programs. I don’t care, just get the hell out!!! Damn!!! I hate that! RING TONES… Hi, is that 1900 HOTNSEXY?? HI, yeah, my names, Stefan… talk to me baby… oh.. OK…. Mastercard… 5353 6710 7585 1001… June 2002. Ok…. Oh baby, talk to me,.. tell me I’m a hot Radio Guy… yeah.. I’m the best!! Does my radio voice make you hot, baby? Tell me how hot I make you!! Yeah! Yeah… Hotter than Stan? Hotter that John? What about Brian? Oh baby, tell me more! Tell me I’m the number one radio guy in the world baby, oh baby… I’m good… I know I know… Howard Stern, Wolf Man Jack, Max Rowley… YES YES YES I’m The best!!!! Thanks Cindy… talk to you same time next week?? Bye! ( BREATHE OUT!!) – Right, lets get this show on the road!!!… CUT. Noise.. MUSIC… RADIO JINGLES… echo…. DAMN!!! Hello world, and welcome once again to radio 2MR this week for a special program entitled “what not to do on radio” I’m your host Stefan Sojka, how are you? That’s good… all of you? How are all of you? Great. Well, tonight is.. <jingle> Tonight is a chance for me, as a senior advanced student 9.9 on the richter scale, to teach you neophytes, and naïve debutantes how to conduct yourself across the airwaves in a professional and respectable manner, maximizing your chances for employment in the radio industry. The program will feature expert advice from yours truly, tips and tricks you would never get anywhere else but here on my program, and later on we’ll be hearing some absolute radio no-nos from some of the industry’s so-called “celebrities”, although what they are celebrating I really don’t know.. mediocrity perhaps… So how’s that for a program? Looking forward to it? Me Too… But first… some music. Now this song is one of the.. MUSIC TRACK – Proper microphone placement is a primary consideration
for radio performers. Speak TO the microphone, not AT it. Poor placement
can result in a popping sound, that will piss people off. MISTAKE Variety is crucial in a radio performance, because your voice is all the listener knows about you, the delivery needs to be able to change at will from vital, to alert, authoritative, assertive, lively, bright, sincere, brisk, conversational, natural, and personable. If I was to read, say a news item, I might sound like this: “Indonesia's President Abdurrahman Wahid ordered a security crackdown yesterday as violence erupted in his home province and the main political parties prepared to initiate impeachment proceedings against him tomorrow” AND if I was to do, say an ad for Pepsi Max Extreme Sports, I might sound like this… It’s time to cut loose dudes, with the Pepsi Max Extreme Sports national tour. BMX, Skateboarding, Motocross – every nerve shattering trick, turn and twist will blow your freakin mind, man, as the worlds top extremists rip up the concrete and dirt for PEPSI MAX . As you can hear, although the difference is subtle, it is my mastery of vocal technique that accentuates the subtle nuances of the two distinct scripts, as you could clearly hear. If you couldn’t it’s your fault, not mine, and I can’t be held responsible for your lack of cultural sophistication. You’re with 2MR. NEWS JINGLE Another important aspect to radio presenting is your self image. Having faith in yourself and having a purpose is so important. Now I know this might be difficult for some of you losers, but let me tell you that even I am afflicted with self doubt now and then. What I have found really works for me, is, just before I begin my show, if I’m not feeling 100 percent, I’ll call a friend and ask them to give me some encouraging words. It’s amazing how much difference some honest, heartfelt words of encouragement can make to your self esteem. It’s worth every cent… It’s a very sensible thing to do.. So how are you feeling so far, listeners? Great! A couple of quick tips and tricks from the professionals hand book… FLIP PAGES…. Don’t write your scripts in exercise books, so that you have to turn noisy pages. If you are typing, use double spaces and capitals
and remember to indent paragraph changes so that not only Don’t make last minute alterations to your script, because changes make it difficult to read. You will invoriably stumple and make mistreaks. Don’t do it… no.. this is a golden rule, don’t do it. So believe me.. don’t fall into the trap…. Don’t get caught with your pants down... don’t cry for me argentina? (what the hell was I thinking?!!!) Now that you are getting a pretty clear picture of what not to do on Radio, we might have a bit of a listen to some of Radios biggest embarrassments. We’ll start of with this abomination… CLIFF RICHARD AD LIB Whoever this idiot is, he just broke every golden rule radio ever had! Never talk in a sing song style, never ask the audience a question, like “remember this?” How the hell are you going to hear their answer? And NEVER EVER talk about Cliff Bloody Richard! That announcer needs to go on a permanent summer holiday. NEWS READER I don’t even have to tell you how disgusting that was… and finally the ultimate in radio disasters, this incompetent charlatan… JOHN LAWS As you can hear, This Man’s voice is harsh, almost violent in its assault on your eardrums. His tone is like a thousand fingernails down a thousand blackboards piped through a wet cardboard box, sucked up by a vacuum cleaner, and hacked to pieces by a Victor Lawn Mower on acid. His diction is nearly non-existent, He quoted his earlier caller – an absolute NO-NO, he’s talking about something he knows absolutely nothing about, as you could hear, and what about that “…aaahh…” ? at the beginning there.. sounded like he needed some valvoline to squeeze that one out he runs his sentences on, he um’s and ah’s like a moron AND he sounds like he’s giving his microphone a blow job to boot!! Well folks, how did you like that? Hopefully you liked it a lot. Hopefully you learned something, and hopefully you will not go down the same road as those last three announcers. Hopefully, If you follow MUSIC If you follow my advice, and look up to me like a hero, a beacon, a lighthouse, protecting you from the rocky shores of mediocrity, a cult hero, a god even, you may just find your own path to media excellence, as I have done. I hope you can join me next week, when I present to you a free form program. This week’s show was written five minutes ago and I have rehearsed it out loud a total of zilch times. In defiance of the Academy Guidelines this show was not prerecorded. Until next time…this is Stefan Sojka, saying… JINGLE Here is the news, I’m Stefan Sojka… A wedding reception turned to tragedy
today when the floor of the third story reception center in Israel collapsed,
killing 25 people and injuring many more. 8 men including the building’s
owner, manager and a building contractor have been arrested and charged
with murder.
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