What a Load of Rubbish

Tonight is going to be a load of old rubbish.

For instance: The Movie – Schindler’s List was rubbish from start to finish. What John Howard said before the last election was also – actually it was pretty damn impressive – no, I guess there were one or two tiny, tiny little snippets of rubbish in there…. AH well…

The Television program, quantum, is complete rubbish and so was “general studies” at school, and my Teacher, Mr Wills, spoke a load of rubbish as well. So you can see, the world is full of rubbish, and tonight’s show is no exception. It will be rubbish from start to finish. I hope you enjoy it.

Digital Media World Expo is on at Darling harbour right now, and is packed with the most supreme examples of unadulterated rubbish you’ll ever see in your whole life. Yes after decades of technical evolution, and digital magic, computer animation and effects have reached a pinnacle. Anything is possible, and at Digital media world, you will be astounded …

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BY A stupid looking purple dork. And you will find out how easy it is to make your own stupid looking dork with the latest state of the art equipment and software…

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Imagine how stupid and dorky your idiotic character could look if you had this $400,000 digital animation package. The world is waiting to see what kind of rubbish you can create, so come down to Digital Media World Darling Harbour – and join the digital rubbish revolution.

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Now one thing I really think is a load of rubbish is that insane Ian Keirnan and his ridiculous clean up Australia campaign. What rubbish! Who does he think he is ruining our landscape by removing all the beautiful discarded packaging of our highly advanced society from out of our sight? He’s out of his mind! Trying to deny the very essence of our civilization and pretend that we live in some kind of rustic world of trees and flowers and rivers. – RUBBISH!

Now I remember when I was kid and Mr Keirnan was still a yachtsman, peering out at acres and acres of nothing but water – his idea of a perfectly “clean” world, I guess… and Australia used to be decorated from coast to coast by the shimmering beauty of beer cans, colourful shards of broken soft drink bottles, glistening chip packets, beautiful ebony car tyres, the rich ochre tones of rusted car parts, and newspapers blowing majestically across the plains – all manner of amazing jewels and trinkets of our affluent society spread far and wide – sending a message of confidence in our economy and pride in our progress. It made me proud to live in this country – Proud to know that we were a productive democracy, but now thanks to Mr Keirnan and his anally-retentive “lets all iron our underpants and hankies” attitude to life, we look no different to any other poor country – just boring old roads, trees, grass and dirt. Where’s the colour? Where’s the fun? The signs of life?? Clean Up Australia? What rubbish!

PAUSE – (DON’T CUT!!) Pick up magazine…

If you want your letter box filled with the best rubbish the world has to offer, subscribe to THE PHILADELPHIA TRUMPET. It’s packed with more rubbish than a street full of wheelie bins – WORLD NEWS, PHILOSOHPICAL ESSAYS and HANDY HINTS for a better and more fulfilling life.

You can read the most utter rubbish explanations for everything that happens in our world. From Iraq to Crack, Illiteracy to financial woes – all these are caused by your non-attendance to the “Philadelphia Church of God”, and your non-subscription to “The Philadelphia Trumpet”. So order your free monthly dose of complete rubbish now, so that when your world caves in around you, you too can blame satan and beg for God’s forgiveness.

The Philadelphia Trumpet – RUBBISH!

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INTERVIEW

It’s time to introduce my guests tonight, who promise to add more rubbish to the show than I ever could on my own, please welcome ________________
And _________________

Now ______________ how do you feel about our current situation when it comes to rubbish? Do you think Australia is doing a good job responding to the rubbish problem?

What’s worse? Great big ugly garbage trucks driving around in the middle of the night? Pretending that there is no rubbish? How ugly are all those rubbish bins?

Billboards? Graffiti?

Invisible rubbish? Carbon Monoxide?

Homes for little creatures? Ants flea circus would never have happened?

BACK TO SCRIPT!!!!

And speaking of rubbish, next week I look at the personalities we could well see expunged from the planet.

The whiner who never sees good in anything.

The sicko! Who is never well when asked - and when YOU have an illness is totally disinterested and only wants to share his old illnesses.

The ego-maniac who sees and hears no-one - Unless that person fancies them or can assist him succeed. He speaks only of himself, interrupting whatever point you are making to make his own.

Then there's the Volvo driver !!! Ah yes!! I'll bet you could list dozens. See you next week when I’m type cast.