Those Idiots

Good evening and welcome to the start of term number five of my television training… In This term, I will spare you my birthday spectacular – come to think of it, I spared you last time, so stuff it, I’m going to do five birthday shows this term! Each one will be at least forty-five minutes long - of the most nauseatingly stupefying, hackneyed amateur-hour excerpts you’ve ever seen in your life! Yes, I’ll wince and cringe and you’ll gag and choke – it’ll be a hoot!

The rest of the shows for this term will be a fascinating and thrill-packed selection of creative and entertainment-packed free-form programmes. As with term four, I’ll return to the basic techniques. With a bit of this, a bit of that, plus a tiny bit of the other – TONIGHT!!! The Idiots!! The Whackers and the Morons! And do I have a collection for you!!!

What about that jerk Albert Einstein, eh? What a moron! E=MC squared! Duh!! Sixty years of research for a bloody formula a baby could have spelled out with alphabet soup! And Pythagoras – The Square of the Hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides of a right angled triangle. Give the man bloody nobel prize! He can use a ruler!!

What about that dyslexic half-wit Leonardo DaVinci. Paints a picture of himself in drag with a paintbrush up his date and reckons it’s the best painting the world ever saw. Wanker! And what about John Logie Baird, eh? Sticks a few bits of wire together, glues some vacuum tubes to a plank of wood plugs it in and calls himself an inventor. Al he did was build a crappy old Television! I can buy one myself from Chandlers for 300 bucks! What’s he talking about? Idiot!!

Ok, now how about some of our modern day fools? Bill Gates… One of the richest men in the world, sells more crap than just about anyone. His company develops a word processor program.. not a bad program, I must admit. Pretty damn good, actually – but here’s the thing. Bill the genius, the creative leader of the modern world, visionary extraordinaire, iconoclast and futurist, creator of the digital nervous system.. what shall you call your mighty program. Come on Bill… you can do it.. it’s a beauty, you gotta give it a killer name, it’s a word processor, you can type with it, write books even.. it can do anything.. oh… let’s see.. let me think.. let my brain go into overdrive… into hyperspace.. into realms of existence never before traversed.. I know!! I’ll call it… “WORD”…..

……………Idiot!!!

How about the Pope and his foot washing fetish. Man, if I was him, I’d keep that kind of behaviour behind closed doors, not on the front page of the paper! Some people are eating Breakfast, Mr John Paul, you toe sniffing boot-licking priest loving freak!

Morons! Idiots!!!! Fools one and all!!!

Henry Ford! “Oh My dream is to see everyone on the planet driving one of my affordable automobiles!! Thanks a lot dick head! Great dream!! Now we’re all choking to death! You innovator… you captain of industry! You JERKOFF!!

Talking about Morons, how about that Jesus Christ dude. “Oh lets all be kind to one another” “Let’s all be very very nice” Oh come in Mr Pilot, would you like a cup of tea? ! Certainly!

…So you want to tie me up to a cross and stick spikes through my arms? Crown of thorns, that’d be lovely … ooh, that might hurt a tad, but I dare not be rude as to object to your most generous offer. I’ll tell you what… I’ll give you guys a hand moving that cross up the hill… oh, think nothing of it.. it’d be my pleasure!

Block head!
I could go on all night talking about the twits and buffoons that have populated the planet over the years, but it would take me literally years to get through them all… Nelson Mandela and his life long struggle to turn South Africa into the Car Jacking and Murder capital of the world. Micheal Gorbachev and his Glasnostic quest to leave Russia open to contract every stinking festering virus that capitalism has to offer.

Kim Beazley, and His knowledge Nation, and he doesn’t even know how many excess calories there in a five course business luncheon. Mozart and his twiddly widdly fiddly compositions. Kathy Freeman, Australia’s answer to Forest Gump. Her claim to fame, running round the oval - once. Run Kathy Run – you mongoloid. You’ve just reconciled my belief that you are an idiot.

And there they are… my collection of crazies. What is the answer to people like Pol Pot, Pinochet, Mussollini, Hitler and their Ilk? What answer does the world find for this mass madness and resultant meaningless death? Everything has a theory, it seems – including chaos. It is said that, just like the weather, the tides and earthquakes, we humans can also fall prey to a form of chaos in our collective thinking. Maybe the second world war was proof of this. Or Cambodia and Pol Pot – Who knows??

On the brighter side, I hope you’ll look forward to next week’s program, when we look at what’s funny… for instance, names can be funny…

Remember the Philippines Cardinal Sin? Or the resolute Lee Bum Sook?

I’ll bet the poor deputy sheriff’s commissioner in San Diego must be sick of his name – RANDY DICK.

We’ll explore what’s funny next time.. Until Then… BYE!!!