The Last Century & the New Milenium

Tonight, we will examine the last century of achievement in the world. We’ve seen some miraculous changes. An explosion of knowledge such as the world has never seen. Achievements unequalled in history. Let us explore some of these discoveries during lesson number twenty-eight. I’m Stefan Sojka, for TV Channel Three.

The 20th century has brought us some incredible advances. An avalanche of achievements – manned flight, medicine, nuclear science, cinema, radio, radar, TV, computers, teletubbies, lasers, techno, genetic engineering, Jerry Springer, quantum physics, psychology, pokemon, long-range weather forecasting, satellite communication and those ultra cool fold up scooters. Yes, we are truly living in a golden age. An age where Cher can be played alongside Britney Spears and even though there is a 50 year age gap between them, you can download doctored pictures of the two of them participating in a three way gang bang, from dozens of reputable celebrity porn sites. Yes, equality has finally arrived.

Thousands of years of evolution has given us the marvel of Elvis Impersonators, the magic of liposuction, the splendour of jumbotronic TV screens beaming out images of wealth and prosperity to the hookers, pimps and junkies in Kings Cross, and the futuristic phenomenon of electronic gaming machines and their enchanting melodies, mesmerising graphics and promises of wealth and abundance for all who are lucky enough to experience their charm.

But it’s not just the technology and that has transformed our lives. The science of business and marketing has created a world of bountiful riches, for those who dare to dream. The opportunities of globalisation and corporate strategy are there for the taking. If you want to, you can set up a factory in a third world country, and manufacture anything you like at very competitive costs, adding to the quality of life to those who purchase your desktop novelty golf gift set and the lucky factory workers who’s family you help feed and clothe at 3 dollars a day.

And speaking of food, never before has so much tasty food been so accessible to so many, with all the drive-through and home delivered fast food outlets around the world. And there’s no rationing like in the bad old days, no siree.. A 300 kilogram mother of 6 with two pulverised knee joints, diabetes, hypertension, coronary heart disease, sleep apnea and gall bladder disease can walk into any burger joint on the planet, and order four double cheeseburgers with the lot, five family servings of French fries, and a gallon of coke without fear of being refused service on health grounds. Now that’s freedom.

Yes, we are living in a golden age. Never before have children had so many computer games to play. Never before has there been so many TV channels to watch, or videos to see. Never have there been so many pornos available by mail order from Canberra. Never have there been so many informative women’s magazines instructing them on the basics of surgical breast enhancement, cellulite removal, and how to give your boyfriend a blow job he’ll never forget. Never before has the stock market been so accessible to the average person, so that they can share in the wealth of weapons manufacturers, rainforest clearers and human rights abusers the world over.

But this is only the beginning. This is the dawn of the new age. All the wonderful things I have spoken to you about are here now. So what does the future hold? Will it just keep getting better? Will some of our annoying little problems, like poverty, environmental devastation, political oppression, torture, paedophilia, rape, spousal abuse, alcoholism, AIDS, terrorism, cancer, depression, traffic fatalities, violence and addiction ever go away? Will our institutions become eroded as the future encroaches upon them? Will our glorious monarchy survive? Will we still be able to imprison and sodomize anyone who is too stupid and poor to stay out of trouble? Will we still be able to blame the individual for their wrong doings, and not be forced to confront our social responsibilities as a global community? I hope so.

But I don’t think we have anything to worry about. With such incredibly wise decisions that have been made towards the end of the millennium already, I believe that our leaders can steer us safely and calmly through the unchartered waters of the future. That is why they are our leaders – because they understand the big picture.

The monarchy is an historical institution that binds the fabric of our society and keeps us from descending into the only alternative to a monarchy - anarchy.

The GST has put every business on the path to accounting success, thereby assuring a bountiful and successful future for us all, and allowing the governments to utilize the money that is tithed to them to do works of great good, such as - partnering with developers to build even greater suburbs in the surrounding wilderness of our great cities, - and promoting a cosmopolitan lifestyle of relaxing harbourside with a surf and turf and a fosters, discussing the rises and falls of the all-ordinaries index, or the results of the week’s great sporting events.

And best of all, our wise leaders have shown incredible foresight and stewardship on the drugs issue, by bringing in tougher laws and weeding out the evil and weak peddlers trying to get in on the game, so that the recreational drugs industry remains in the hands of those most qualified to deal with such a tough business and take on the difficult responsibility of determining what dangerous cocktails of designer drugs our children are taking – the Motorcycle Gangs.

The other two big issues that give me great confidence in our future are the censorship of the evil and corrupting Internet, which could threaten our very existence,– and the granting of patents for genetically altered foods. It stands to reason that any company who has worked hard enough on creating superior and robust crops and livestock has every right to protect their hard work – and if the stupid subsistence farmers in third world countries are too poor to afford the very reasonable asking price for the seeds, then they deserve to starve to death, or be thrown in jail for stealing the DNA, should they dare to plant their crops without paying the royalties.

Now here are some of my predictions for the future…

We will breed a special race of genetically modified people who actually love pain and death, so that anyone with the slightest murderous urge can simply hunt them down and slaughter them, and know that they are doing a good deed. The more sadistic the killing, the more they will enjoy it. It will be perfect for relieving stress after a hard day at the office.

Cars will evolve more and more in a natural evolution from what they are like now. At present, cars are kind of like single celled creatures, rushing around the arteries and capillaries of our cities. I predict that technology will enable us to design and build huge insect-like cars, that scurry around on six or eight legs, using cameras and radar for navigation, while we relax inside. We will live in them as well as travel around in them. There will be no more need for houses. Property prices will plummet.

The porn industry will go totally interactive, and anyone will be able to have fully immersive sexual experiences with anyone they like, with the aid of electrified pleasure suits and virtual reality. This will fundamentally change our notion of monogamy. A great outcome of this trend will be that women will no longer be seen as sex objects – because men will actually be having sex – with objects.

Banks will no longer exist, because everyone will finally realise that they don’t actually do anything.

Elections will be done on-line, but people will still choose the party that offers them $10 a week more in their pay packet.

Customs officers will be replaced by robots and sniffer dog-bots. Ken Willis will turn to drug trafficking to support his Internet addiction.

The average age of a pop star will drop to 15 …. Months.

And RSL clubs across the land will continue to hold their Tuesday lunchtime senior citizens day concerts, only instead of Ian Turpie singing Unchained melody, while the audience sips shandy, you’ll have DJ Busta Funk and the Hip Hop Housemasters pumping out the Hi NRG grooves, while the little old ladies do lines of speed on the tables, sit there eating cabbage and prunes, occasionally throwing their hands in the air, showing their wrinkly arm band tattoos, and rusty old belly-button rings, and lamenting how their grand children just don’t understand.

I’m sure you see what a magnificent world we are living in today. What can we really expect after the year 2000? I trust you found my program stimulating and enlightening. Next week I ask the question “WHY?” Until next week when I bring with me my green thumb… this is Stefan Sojka for Three TV, saying GOODNIGHT.