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Published JAN 1998
A light-hearted look at surfing the net whilst
intoxicated.
ALCOHOL
Found in: Liquor barns, pubs, restaurants or delivered to your door in
liquid form distilled from rotting fruit.
Alternatives: Methylated spirits, anaesthetic, industrial solvents.
Effects: After a few drinks, web surfing can become an enjoyable experience.
You will find yourself quizzing search engines with juvenile words like
"f***" or "69" and descending into sheer depravity
as your toxic levels mount. Larger doses, producing muscle spasticity,
drooling, slurred typing, and blurred vision could render your computer
unusable, as you stagger back to the sofa, sink into a coma and wet yourself.
Risks: Waking up in the morning wondering exactly what you did on your
computer the night before. It is highly likely that you gave your credit
card details to a few shonky porn sites and your address & phone number
to dozens of potential cybersex partners. Viral infection is quite possible.
Best Site: The "Zillions of Jokes" site at http://uniquorn.simplenet.com/jokesite.htm
can give you the effect of being in a bar exchanging inanities. As colourless
as a dimly lit pub, with jokes to rival any tavern full of "suits"
on a Friday afternoon.
Worst Site: Kevin Bloody Wilson's page at http://www.wilson.com.au is
pure alcoholism at its worst. See Wilson autographing chick's tits, and
enter the "Yobbo of the Week" competition. The web designers
were too pissed to check if the site even works properly.
CAFFEINE
Found In: Coffee, tea, popular cola drinks, travel alert tablets, "smart"
drinks.
Alternatives: Your own body can produce the same effect as caffeine by
being afraid, anxious, nervous or by staying awake for more than 24 hours,
when your second wind kicks in and you start to feel "wired".
Effects: The stimulant effect is perfect for the web, when the exhaustion
factor - after hours of surfing - can mar the fun. Typing speed is increased,
making URL entry easier, and chat sessions more lively. Basic computer
functions of mouse-clicking, saving, scrolling, opening windows and using
pull-down menus, become smoother and more dynamic with the caffeine edge.
Because of a minimal psycho-active element, caffeine is a very effective
tool for increased productivity, although only recommended for dry, menial
tasks, hence it's popularity in the workplace.
Risks: Regular use of caffeine can cause shaking, twitching, heart flutters
and insomnia, but then so can surfing the internet, so there is no conflict
here.
Best Site: "Too-Much-Coffee Man" at www.tmcm.com/ is a comic
strip superhero that you have to go and visit, just for the cool name
if nothing else. Actually, it's quite funny stuff, but chances are TMCM's
creator is using a little more than just coffee.
Worst Site: http://yourhealthdaily.com/213_080197_104201_8867.html though
you will enjoy typing in this ridiculous URL, you just don't want to hear
this crap. Health risks?? Humbug!
DOWNERS
Found In: Doctors surgeries, in colourful blister-pack promotional samples,
pharmacies.
Alternatives: Getting fired, being burgled, divorce, physical exhaustion,
watching infomercials.
Effects: When the mind-boggling advances of the internet revolution become
too exciting, and the output of the worlds leading graphic artists onto
your computer screen stimulates your brain into overproduction of endorphins
and adrenalin, the soothing effect of a good downer can bring you back
into focus. It can also help control your frustration at the stupefyingly
slow download times, and pace your thoughts in time with your .000001mb/s
modem.
Risks: You may actually become content with the speed of the web as it
is, and trade in your 233MMX Pentium for a Mac Plus and a book of forged
prescriptions. Also dribbling, mumbling and gazing blankly through half-closed
eyes is not a very good look.
Best Site: www.microsoft.com There are enough megabytes of demo software
downloads to get you through a dozen packs of extra-strength valium, before
you even get to install the stuff.
Worst Site: www.hotwired.com There is just too much information, too much
sensory overload for anyone not on stimulants to cope with, let alone
a dribbling zombie.
THC AND PSYCHO-ACTIVES
Found In: The freely available and hardy cannabis plant grows anywhere.
The human mind has receptors designed specifically for receiving the active
chemicals. Other psycho-actives include many natural plants, man-made
LSD and non-fatal doses of any deadly poison.
Alternatives: A similar effect can be achieved by meditating, dreaming,
high fever, near-death experiences or eating 50 kilograms of chocolate.
Effects: The psycho-active effects of THC etc., - heightened awareness
of colour and sound - make it a very handy enhancement to the internet
experience. Cool web sites become even cooler, plug-ins become turn-ons,
and search engines become "possibility machines". The evidence
of psycho-active drug usage by the internet community is very widespread.
The internet is really nothing more than our planet getting stoned. Sadly,
with her new found vision, mother earth might be too wasted to save herself.
Risks: Paradoxically, as your fascination for all this technology increases,
so your ability to operate your computer decreases. You can get to a point
where you'll be browsing the web for hours, without realising that you
accidentally opened Microsoft Word instead of Netscape Navigator! Watch
your figure as well. Months of web surfing and getting the munchies can
mean disaster for your waistline.
Best Site: Just by entering www.erowid.com you will feel like you are
channelling Timothy Leary.
Worst Site: There is no worst site. Type in www.netscape.com/$%$#$ and
see. Not found? The entire universe is there.. open your mind...
UPPERS
Found In: Cough syrups, diet pills, backyard laboratories, interstate
trucking company medicine cabinets.
Alternatives: Adrenaline, endorphines. The same effect can be achieved
by having your life threatened, or after vigorous exercise.
Effects: Uppers are like coffee squared, and with the increased dose comes
a little more of a psycho-active effect. Not only will your productivity
increase exponentially, but you will FEEL like it's unlimited. You will
find yourself grinning widely as you begin designing 100 new web pages
for yourself and all your friends, chatting in 300 different IRC channels,
trying out 65 new hi-end demo programs and mapping out the source code
for your own personal contribution to the browser wars.
Risks: Even though your brain will operate at hyper-speed, you still only
have two hands, so your 1,000 or so new ventures will all be about 2%
complete before the stuff wears off. This will lead you to desire a further
dose, which will only end up leading you to another 1,000 new projects
and down a path of ultimate destruction, as you spiral into addiction.
Best Site: www.envirolink.org/mkzdk/ is so mind blowing and thought provoking,
you will need to be in hyper-drive to take it in. Once visited, give up
the uppers, and go the hallucinogens. Life as you knew it ends here.
Worst Site: Visiting the National Party of Australia at www.npa.org.au
could possibly scare them to death, so best you speed on elsewhere.
NICOTINE
Found In: Tobacco leaf cigarettes, skin patches and chewable gum.
Alternatives: Moving to South East Asian forest fire areas, sucking on
car exhaust pipes. Shooting yourself in the lungs with an extremely slow
shot gun.
Effects: Even though nicotine is a deadly poison, the doses found in cigarettes
have an almost imperceptible effect. Therefore in web surfing, the biggest
impact is in your look and style. One handed typing, dropping ash and
blowing it off your keyboard, sucking actions & punctuating your browsing
by stubbing butts into ashtrays are all gestures likely to give you the
feeling that you are a cool and happening character likely to be cast
in the next Tarrantino flick. Lighting small fires and blowing smoke at
your monitor can also give you the feeling of domination over cyberspace.
Risks: Early death could mean missing out on the latest browser upgrade.
Bad breath will reduce the quality of real life encounters with your cybersex
partners.
Best Site: Smoke and glamour, www.wp.com/51824/smoking/ lights up the
true nature of smoking -sex. Is that a very small penis in your hand,
or are you just smoking?
Worst Site: www.lungcheck.com/ is a reality check for participants in
this highly unfulfilling, addictive and unsafe pastime.
ECSTASY
Found In: Pills sold in a thriving underground market. Legal herbal equivalents
are available and rumoured to be equally as effective.
Alternatives: Personal growth seminars where everybody hugs each other.
Winning the lottery. Buying a new car. The after-glow of giving birth
before post natal depression sets in.
Effects: Web surfing on ecstasy can be a highly fulfilling experience.
You will love everything you see, as you follow link after beautiful link.
The awesome power of the net will, in a moment of joy, be oh so understood
by you as you find yourself gravitating towards IRC, video links and virtual
meeting places. You will feel at one with every nerd, freak, pervert,
dork and geek you meet. At last the great gulf between us is bridged.
I love you, you love me, oh how happy we can be. Stroke your mouse again
for me, will you? Aaaaaaaaaah!
Risks: Because the actual physical design of computers is rather unsexy
and impractical for real interpersonal communication, you may suffer injuries
such as chipped teeth as you try to kiss your screen, and groin injuries
as you attempt some crude level of sexual encounter with your PC tower.
Best Site: It doesn't matter, everything is beautiful. Dial in, link up,
connect, you'll love it! If the medication hasn't kicked in yet, warm
up on #funfactory on IRC EFNET
Worst Site: Any online MUD game. You have lost all your motivation to
kill, and you will become very upset at the anger and violence expressed
towards you by other players. Intense post-traumatic-stress counselling
will be required.
NITROUS OXIDE
Found In: Gas cylinders in dental surgeries, also used to boost performance
in cars, but if you ask how it works, your mechanic will just laugh.
Alternatives: Watching Fawlty Towers, watching Australia's Funniest Home
Videos when you have an IQ of 75 or below.
Effects: NO2 has one main effect, and that is the well documented one
of uncontrolled giggling. Web surfing and giggling can work well together,
and is especially called for after spending 13 hours on a useless search
engine failing to find what you were looking for. Also very effective
when used to view CeeUSeeMe users home pages, and when you join a chat
channel full of young male desperados and tell them all that you are a
23 year old Swedish bikini model.
Risks: Laughter is the best medicine, but after the laughter, everything
will seem so serious you may become depressed at the smallest unfunnyness.
A man once committed suicide after his NO2 wore off, and he accidentally
stumbled across a UNIX FAQ page.
Best Site: http://hatewatch.org/ features an incredibly comprehensive
collection of every hatemongering racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-semetic
site in cyberspace. You are going to need happy gas before you surf these
gems, coz they are deadly serious, and if you don't laugh, you might really
start to worry!
Worst Site: The Cow Tipping Craze - you are already splitting your sides
with laughter. Too much of a good thing could be fatal. Don't risk it.
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